Dwelling

I am sooooo pissed at myself! I'm mad. I'm stressed. I'm fat. I hate food and the fact that we need it to live. I hate that I can't escape this emotional addiction completely due to that fact. Smoker's can quit cold turkey (I'm not saying it's easy) but they don't NEED cigarettes to live. I don't NEED salty, fatty food but when you have to have food (and you're an emotional eater) it is so fucking hard to choose wisely...all of the time...some of the time...none of the time. I hate myself right now. I don't want to hate myself but I do. I am at 215. 215! 215. I want to puke...and keep puking til I look like Calista Flockhart. I need to focus on getting back into, well, focus. I've been so stressed and sad lately that I'm dwelling on it. I'm dwelling on a friend and Grandpa who's dying, dwelling on a foot that is broke disabling me from exercise, I'm dwelling on a the stress of a baking business that I am getting up and going (this is a good thing, not all stress is bad people), but I'm still dwelling on it. I'm dwelling on my sick son who still breaks out daily from Autoimmune Hives sending us one step closer to a more serious, nasty treatment. I need to let these things go. I need to eat well so that I have the energy to deal with them. I am trying. Everyday I try. I do really well until about 3 or 4 o'clock; then all shit hits the fan and I'm back at square one. Or at least this is how I feel. If I could just screw up and move on it would help, but I dwell on the fact that I screwed up, feel guilty about it, and say "fuck it", I've already blown it. God, give me the strength to do something about this...again. Once and for all. Please help me.