WHY?!?!?

I am still at 201. I don't know what I am doing wrong other than being immensely stressed out! I am hanging in there though... hoping tomorrow will be the day~!

Day 3...

...Is coming to a close! The only thing I have done wrong today is not take time to drink enough water. I am trying to guzzle it knowing, full well, it is going to wake me up and affect the sleep I get, but I want that effing scale to go down so bad I don't even care! I feel good. I am feeling much better than I was 3 days ago, so I'm going with it. I will do my best to report tomorrow but it is another crazy busy day. BTW the hockey game was fantastic!! I had a blast. I drank all the bottled water I wanted and didn't have to pay a dime. The only liquor they had was beer and wine. It just wasn't worth it. I'm going to Sam's tomorrow and replenishing my Grey Goose! : )

Go Liqour

Don't kid Elle. Hard Vodka won't make you gain weight...enjoy! I was at 201 again today. God is making me wait...it's torture. Not sure I'll go down tomorrow. I only ate 3 fruits and not much food. I SHOULD lose weight but not on this diet! So we will see. I continue to look forward to that glorious day...

Better

I went down 3 lbs from yesterday. So I'm at 212...again. But I'm trying not to focus on that. This will be a struggle I have until the day I die (which I hope I only need 4 pall bearers for instead of 6). Okay, I'm not trying to be morbid. I just want to be smaller than I am right now. Yesterday was a good day. I'm going to the hockey game tonight and we have club seats so it's all the food and alcohol a person could want. I'm trying to approach it the way a skinny, rich woman might...NO food and only hard liquor. :0 Just kidding...

Dwelling

I am sooooo pissed at myself! I'm mad. I'm stressed. I'm fat. I hate food and the fact that we need it to live. I hate that I can't escape this emotional addiction completely due to that fact. Smoker's can quit cold turkey (I'm not saying it's easy) but they don't NEED cigarettes to live. I don't NEED salty, fatty food but when you have to have food (and you're an emotional eater) it is so fucking hard to choose wisely...all of the time...some of the time...none of the time. I hate myself right now. I don't want to hate myself but I do. I am at 215. 215! 215. I want to puke...and keep puking til I look like Calista Flockhart. I need to focus on getting back into, well, focus. I've been so stressed and sad lately that I'm dwelling on it. I'm dwelling on a friend and Grandpa who's dying, dwelling on a foot that is broke disabling me from exercise, I'm dwelling on a the stress of a baking business that I am getting up and going (this is a good thing, not all stress is bad people), but I'm still dwelling on it. I'm dwelling on my sick son who still breaks out daily from Autoimmune Hives sending us one step closer to a more serious, nasty treatment. I need to let these things go. I need to eat well so that I have the energy to deal with them. I am trying. Everyday I try. I do really well until about 3 or 4 o'clock; then all shit hits the fan and I'm back at square one. Or at least this is how I feel. If I could just screw up and move on it would help, but I dwell on the fact that I screwed up, feel guilty about it, and say "fuck it", I've already blown it. God, give me the strength to do something about this...again. Once and for all. Please help me.

anticipation

201. my anticipation is building. almost there...

sux

yup i am up to 204 now...back to conditioning. Hope to lose it quick.